*being emo..

my heresies..

Everything has its season. Season to smile. Season to hate. Many times, nevermind the small little details, we've come to a conclusion that we are at fault for some stupid reason that doesn't really bother anyone. When it comes, it hits us very slowly. The common word would be 'self-destroying'. We are all responsible for our own actions/behaviour. Attitude defines who we are and what we would be in the future. At this point of my life, i feel empty and lost. But i know where i stand and im not happy. There is a season to everything so they say. It's not a very good season for me around this time.

Everything seems to be so low. Something i came across recently.. "what is life but a temporary lull between life and death". Many define life in their own perspective. I would be stupid to say that life is all but happy and happy and happy all the time. There's a time to cry and there's a time to stand on your feet and overcome the situation at hand. These are just my thoughts at random. I've been very disturbed these few weeks. Many things happened in just a short period of time. I haven't even digested the first one.

I took the gamble to play a dangerous game and im happy that now i no longer dwell in it. It was my fault. I deserved the entire blame and temper thrown at me. But what are they for? Temporal fleeing feelings thrown and hoping for a clear conscience mind after that? Would an apology be enough to cover every fault and lie? I'm just trying to be human.. flesh easily succumb to my own lust and desire. Indulgence to a deluding mind wasn't what I expected in that first bend. I should have seen it coming but i was blinded. Sorry's pouring out after the green light and it flooded the whole entire street. Broken hearts everywhere. My heresies. My sorrows. At the end of them all, I still plod and plough through. I'm living life just like anyone else do.

One dude lived like 5 blocks away from me is now in the run because of his past actions. Wrong attitude that cost his wife and children to suffer today. He was trying to live life just like anyone else do. Everything he has built just crumbled to pieces. It is frightening to live life when you know someone wants to kill you. Another soul condemned to hell is on the death list. I suddenly felt the urge to spread some comfort to him but knowing he wouldn't receive to whatever i was planning to say, i backed off. So much for the faith that has carried me through.

I'm living two separate lives now. One in Melaka. Another in Sunway. I see my own reflection in one and the other, my escape. Lately, I'm troubled by so many things that shouldn't have bothered me in the first place. It's my choice to not think. Free will. Life with chaos and destruction. I'm drifting away. The 'me' always comes first. It's time to put God the center of my life now. Because He is always centered and true. God help me! It was really comforting when i received an sms from my Pastor last nite. It goes something like this..

"When it comes to the future, there are 3 kinds of people; those who let it happen, those who make it happen and those who wonder what happened..." I belong to the 2nd category.

I am glad and grateful that I have people who really love me for who i am and they are all around me. Though trusting them is an option and a risk, I will take my chance.

Everyting is meaningless..
Ecclesiastes 1:1-11 NIV

*Words uttered in a state of emotional breakdown*