Stygian

I was shoved into a corner in my room where I find the need of space. The urgency somehow building within me, but I couldn't comprehend this feeling so deep. It wasn't anything surreal. Morbid. If I could say that again. I plunged myself into deep-waters-like a torrent of confusion. What is this, I asked. Have I found myself in everything I have become today. What have my 22 years of life given me in what I am today. Being somewhat melancholic in nature can sometimes pull me so low that I could feel so broken in the inside, yet, I am made complete with You. Like broken glasses I picked up pieces of me, blood dripped in vain, renewed and shaped to be another beautiful glass on display. Is my life a display or on display?

Confused.

I think to myself, throughout my entire life, what have I achieved that i could make someone proud. What have i done that I could tell the world about Him. Envy. I was told that I could be more than what I am today. Friends I know miles away, doing great mighty things for both themselves as well as Him. I could only dream. In searching for definition and purpose, I have seen many things, gone thru every junction, yet, sometimes I am made to be ungrateful. It is like pulling strings in pantomime without any soul and emotion attached to it. Blinded characters danced in this play of meaningless. Am I one of them?

With all I am hoping to be, time is my bestfriend.

It is so hard to sing things like '..now that I've found you, everything around me is changing'. It is so hard to not swear and yet the world is telling me it's alright to do so. As I jot this unhappy thought.. God is so good. He sings to me. These words keep singing to me..

'Jesus.. hold me into Your heart.
Into Your heart
And my soul delights..
And I know You hear my pray.
Take me deeper, Lord'

Time and time again, I have disappointed if not many, one. I need grace. More grace. Even among fellow men I have walked and trod along whatever may come, then and now, they haven't been one I can lean on to. Was it so hard to be just plain honest? Oh. Just so you know, whatever you may insist, your fake dirty pretentious heart beats me.

'by Your love Lord You opened my heart
Now Your light will shine always
By Your Word Lord Your promise secure
And my soul will live always
Take me deeper Lord'

Is it necessary to put all these in words? No. But someone ought to know.

I need a shower.