Time

Potatomato!

Hehe..

Time has never been on my side lately. Never done enough with everything.

Done stupid shitty community service. No need for elaboration.

Tired. Exhausted.

I'll be going home in a few more hours. Cant wait for another homecoming. Looking forward to Melaka! Melaka! Melaka! Will be leading worship this weekend. Havent selected my songs. Havent tongeng-ed. Havent been doing my quiet time for quite sometime already. Guilt. Bahh...
I need God to multiply my time. Amen.

Had McDee just now in pyramid. Lovely.

Anyway.

Sigur Ros is.. weird.

Incubus is.. odd.. yet comforts me.

I love this song..

Rest In You
Hillsong United

Your faithfullness endures always
Where mountains fall and reason fails
And You calm the raging seas
And You calm the storms in me, again

All I know is I find rest in You
All I know is I find rest in You

My heart will praise throughout the night
Where singing seems a sacrifice
Your grace is all I need
Your grace is all I need

I need grace, Jesus..

Ecclesiastes 7

Current reading.. from The Message.

Ecclesiastes 7

1A good reputation is better than a fat bank account. Your death date tells more than your birth date.

2You learn more at a funeral than at a feast--
After all, that's where we'll end up. We might discover
something from it.
3Crying is better than laughing.
It blotches the face but it scours the heart.

4Sages invest themselves in hurt and grieving.
Fools waste their lives in fun and games.

5You'll get more from the rebuke of a sage
Than from the song and dance of fools.

6The giggles of fools are like the crackling of twigs
Under the cooking pot. And like smoke.

7Brutality stupefies even the wise
And destroys the strongest heart.

8Endings are better than beginnings.
Sticking to it is better than standing out.

9Don't be quick to fly off the handle.
Anger boomerangs. You can spot a fool by the lumps on his head.

10Don't always be asking, "Where are the good old days?"
Wise folks don't ask questions like that.

11Wisdom is better when it's paired with money,
Especially if you get both while you're still living.
12Double protection: wisdom and wealth!
Plus this bonus: Wisdom energizes its owner.

13Take a good look at God's work.
Who could simplify and reduce Creation's curves and angles
To a plain straight line?

14On a good day, enjoy yourself;
On a bad day, examine your conscience.
God arranges for both kinds of days
So that we won't take anything for granted.

15I've seen it all in my brief and pointless life--here a good person cut down in the middle of doing good, there a bad person living a long life of sheer evil. 16So don't knock yourself out being good, and don't go overboard being wise. Believe me, you won't get anything out of it. 17But don't press your luck by being bad, either. And don't be reckless. Why die needlessly?
18It's best to stay in touch with both sides of an issue. A person who fears God deals responsibly with all of reality, not just a piece of it.

19Wisdom puts more strength in one wise person
Than ten strong men give to a city.

20There's not one totally good person on earth,
Not one who is truly pure and sinless.

21Don't eavesdrop on the conversation of others.
What if the gossip's about you and you'd rather not hear it?
22You've done that a few times, haven't you--said things
Behind someone's back you wouldn't say to his face?

23I tested everything in my search for wisdom. I set out to be wise, but it was beyond me, 24far beyond me, and deep--oh so deep! Does anyone ever find it? 25I concentrated with all my might, studying and exploring and seeking wisdom--the meaning of life. I also wanted to identify evil and stupidity, foolishness and craziness.
26One discovery: A woman can be a bitter pill to swallow, full of seductive scheming and grasping. The lucky escape her; the undiscerning get caught. 27At least this is my experience--what I, the Quester, have pieced together as I've tried to make sense of life. 28But the wisdom I've looked for I haven't found. I didn't find one man or woman in a thousand worth my while. 29Yet I did spot one ray of light in this murk: God made men and women true and upright; we're the ones who've made a mess of things.

how true.. someone already felt what I am feeling right now. Wow! To think of that is beyond my imagination.

..In My Sleeves

A laizeee weekend.. Bahh

I am tagged, but that will come later, ya? hehe..

My current wallpaper:

hehehe.. try and see if you can really watch or catch em one by one..

My current smell(thanks cherry pie!):

Love the sensual side of it altho very musky at times.. but the smell is really penetrating n provoking. The scent of just one drop would make you melt(applicable to gurls.. Only!).Hehe.. the design and casing is a blastoff.. Well, we didnt know how to tekan or picit so that the hole would spray something.. but eventually we got it all figured out, didnt we? hehe.. It's always Hugo Boss In-Motion.

My latest obsession:

Screw iPod nano!

right now.. this is what i desire the most. but imagine this, 500 songs in 2GB.. thats not worth my money, really. but then again, can i really listen to all 500 songs at a time. No. So why the heck bother.. I 'm thinking of selling my 6600, get a cheaper fone, save more money and get an iPod nano. Lets see how it goes. I shall get my hands on this one once my cashflow gives me the green light. Weeeeeeeeeeeeee....

leaning on the ramparts

It has been raining these few days. Everything seems rather bleak(hehe.. neesh, if ur reading this, dont laugh! i insist! =P). Strong wind blowing from south to north. Trees waving their branches praising Spirit in the sky for this wonderful blessing. Little kiut froggies forming a powerful choir singing their perfectly orchestrated rhythm aloud to welcome the beautiful tune of raindrops on the tin roof. Overwhelmed with soaking wetness, the sky started to break up and gliding over to the southern sky. I've been very much involved in getting everything done in a slow-mo. Maybe it's me. Not something that I'm proud of but at least I finished it. Well done, boy..

Blerghh..

Been caught up with tons of work these past few weeks. Went back last week and been a good homecoming, really. Met her for a quiet celebration(not!.. heehee. thanks very much, cherry pie). And packed myself with meet-ups with alil bit of here and there, bits and pieces.. multiplied with infinity. %&^#@%#^*!!.. I must say that things which we planned much earlier would somehow turn out to be a blessing in disguise when it didnt happen or at least given credit that it MUST happen, but didnt happen. Mien! I missed the good old days when boredom strikes, I could just hit the keypads and meet up somewhere for a drink or watever. Life was much easier back then. Somehow I dont feel that anymore when I go back. So much has changed. And I tell to myself if I dont keep up with this pace, I would never catch up. Then again, am thankful to think that I am here for a purpose or rather subjective if you put it in a way. That growing up or as a citizen of this planet earth, one must have a education certificate to tell the world that I AM EDUCATED. Standards of this world were mostly set by people like us and it is sad to see that we are applying these pressure on ourselves. Chinese family are taught to educate their children so that they could brag to their neighbours about their pathetic kids doing well and berjaya but also suffering in this 'elsewhere'. Yeahh so what if they have laboured hard enough before us? But the thought of trying to purchase that license to work in a particular field/organization requires hard labour and consistency to pursue and toil for this piece of paper whichever/however they brand it. We are living in a cruel society. That is a fact. Yet we deny it everytime when we ourselves are being cruel. Its a never ending cycle. And it will keep on going, with no break, until this world is doom.

Last 3 weeks, attended Sunway Monash Christian Fellowship twice. And somehow the sermons are connected. In one way or another. Will elaborate once I'm done with analytical judgement on how I perceive/conclude them.

A sneak preview. Heehee.. Notice the kiut preacher.

The world is sleeping and I am still wide awake. Thinking. DO I have a cause to live/fight for?

Anyway

Reading 3 books at once is not a good idea at all. Not at all.

Currently reading: Exodus

For Jan..

An unfamiliar thread
held by true words, but
strange as it sounds - comforts me

I would believe, naively:
atoms meet though miles,
souls do speak, but silence keeps..

Infinite reality.
Reflections distilled:
poured out, brimming, reminding

When reasons are lost, I pine.
Though night has not come,
I am profusely clumsy..

As the last words ring still, twice;
I shut my eyes and
strange as it seems, you are here.

*Saw this on someone's blog.. Thought it was sweet..

the unrepentant..

Dad,

I never realized I was that far from You..
I didnt know the distance..
My mind wanders..
I cannot escape..
I tried to be that person You wanted me to be..
I am trying hard..
My struggles are pulling me apart..
My burdens are getting heavier..
Where are You at times like these?
I know You are near..
But I cannot feel You..
Are You there?
How much have I missed?
It was nothing trivial when I first met You..
I know You are looking down from up above..
I believe in You..
My life is an open book..
And You are my Eternal Author..
Help me, Dad..

I need grace.. I need love..

Psalms 139

Current thoughts.. taken from The Message

PSALMS 139

GOD, investigate my life;
get all the facts firsthand.
I’m an open book to you;
even from a distance, you know what I’m thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I’m never out of your sight.
You know everything I’m going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you’re there,
then up ahead and you’re there, too –
Your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful –
I cant take it all in!

Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?

to be out of you sight?If I climb to the sky, you’re there!
If I go underground, you’re there!
If I flew on morning’s wings
to the far western horizon,
You’d find me in a minute –
you’re already there waiting!
Then I said to myself, “Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I’m immersed in the light!”
It’s a fact: darkness isn’t dark to you;
Night and day, darkness and light, they’re all the same to you.

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God – you’re breathtaking!
body and soul, I am marvelously made
I worship in adoration – what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I’d even lived one day.

You thoughts – how rare, how beautiful!
God, I’ll never comprehend them!
I couldn’t even begin to count them –
any more than I could count the sand of the sea.
Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you!
And please, God, do away with wickedness for good!
And you murderers – out of here! –
all the men and women who belittle you, God,
infatuated with cheap god-imitations.
See how I hate those who hate you, GOD,
see how I loathe all this godless arrogance;
I hate it with pure, unadulterated hatred.
Your enemies are my enemies!


Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I’m about,
See for yourself whether I’ve done anything wrong –
then guide me on the road to eternal life.

Even as I type my deepest thoughts about my struggles here, I wonder if I am being judged.
Seeking for my self-worth again.. I forget.
Oh well.. life moves on.

~bonked

Tired.
Confused.
Groggy.
Lethargic.
Sleepy.
Head's spinning and spinning..
Everything goes by so fast..
Eyelids shuttin' down..

Blerghh.. ~bonked.

reminiscence..

deleted for convenience.

*being emo..

my heresies..

Everything has its season. Season to smile. Season to hate. Many times, nevermind the small little details, we've come to a conclusion that we are at fault for some stupid reason that doesn't really bother anyone. When it comes, it hits us very slowly. The common word would be 'self-destroying'. We are all responsible for our own actions/behaviour. Attitude defines who we are and what we would be in the future. At this point of my life, i feel empty and lost. But i know where i stand and im not happy. There is a season to everything so they say. It's not a very good season for me around this time.

Everything seems to be so low. Something i came across recently.. "what is life but a temporary lull between life and death". Many define life in their own perspective. I would be stupid to say that life is all but happy and happy and happy all the time. There's a time to cry and there's a time to stand on your feet and overcome the situation at hand. These are just my thoughts at random. I've been very disturbed these few weeks. Many things happened in just a short period of time. I haven't even digested the first one.

I took the gamble to play a dangerous game and im happy that now i no longer dwell in it. It was my fault. I deserved the entire blame and temper thrown at me. But what are they for? Temporal fleeing feelings thrown and hoping for a clear conscience mind after that? Would an apology be enough to cover every fault and lie? I'm just trying to be human.. flesh easily succumb to my own lust and desire. Indulgence to a deluding mind wasn't what I expected in that first bend. I should have seen it coming but i was blinded. Sorry's pouring out after the green light and it flooded the whole entire street. Broken hearts everywhere. My heresies. My sorrows. At the end of them all, I still plod and plough through. I'm living life just like anyone else do.

One dude lived like 5 blocks away from me is now in the run because of his past actions. Wrong attitude that cost his wife and children to suffer today. He was trying to live life just like anyone else do. Everything he has built just crumbled to pieces. It is frightening to live life when you know someone wants to kill you. Another soul condemned to hell is on the death list. I suddenly felt the urge to spread some comfort to him but knowing he wouldn't receive to whatever i was planning to say, i backed off. So much for the faith that has carried me through.

I'm living two separate lives now. One in Melaka. Another in Sunway. I see my own reflection in one and the other, my escape. Lately, I'm troubled by so many things that shouldn't have bothered me in the first place. It's my choice to not think. Free will. Life with chaos and destruction. I'm drifting away. The 'me' always comes first. It's time to put God the center of my life now. Because He is always centered and true. God help me! It was really comforting when i received an sms from my Pastor last nite. It goes something like this..

"When it comes to the future, there are 3 kinds of people; those who let it happen, those who make it happen and those who wonder what happened..." I belong to the 2nd category.

I am glad and grateful that I have people who really love me for who i am and they are all around me. Though trusting them is an option and a risk, I will take my chance.

Everyting is meaningless..
Ecclesiastes 1:1-11 NIV

*Words uttered in a state of emotional breakdown*

I admire You!!

Admiration
Incubus

Could You move in slow motion?
Everything goes by so fast
Just slow down a little
Save the best part for last

You speak in riddles
Your intentions turn me on
I'm Yours forever
Will You love me when I'm gone?
When i'm gone!

You're an unfenced fire! (i'm gone)
Over walls we travel! (i'm gone)
Its You I admire! (i'm gone)
My living example

Your eyes are an undiscovered ocean far away
Any minute now keeping
Both poets and priests at bay
Don't get ahead of me
Could we just this once see eye to eye?
What You offer has me
Ask me how it feels to vie
To vie!

Your an unfenced fire! (to vie)
Over walls we travel! (to vie)
Its You I admire! (to vie)
My living example

Its a photograph discovered a decade after
Its a cannon blast disguised as a firecracker
Its enough to bring a brick wall to its knees
And sing, please

Could You move in slow motion?
Everything goes by so fast
Just slow down a little
Save the best part for last
For last!

You're an unfenced fire! (for last)
Over walls we've travel! (for last)
Its You I admire! (for last)
My living example
My living example

Its You I admire!!
My living example..